Research

At this point everything that I have learned about parenting, I have learned from West Wing. Babies come with hats. It must be an awe inspiring sight for the nurse at the hospital to open that shipping box and see hundreds of hats longing for a ride home on the top babies head. That first childhood trophy a parent can be proud of.

So in order to learn more about this parenting thing I decided to turn to the source of my own mental internet. I went to “that” closet, underneath the stacks of aged computer supplies, slightly used camping equipment, and boxes of magazines that I cannot seem to part with. I complete my archeological dig through the closet remnants of my life to find my box of inspiration. The collection of VCR tapes I cannot part from.

I pulled out my worn and eroded copy of the greatest movie ever to deal with infertility: Raising Arizona. I admit that as we were going through infertility I had called upon this oracle in my head to give me inspiration to get through this process. How could one survive without these passages of wisdom?

H.I.: Biology and the prejudices of others conspired to keep us childless.

H.I.: Sometimes it's a hard world for small things.

H.I.: We figured there was too much happiness here for just the two of us, so we figured the next logical step was to have us a critter.

By unrolling this scroll of wisdom I have decided that I too need to get me a copy of the instruction book, Dr. Spock‘s Baby and Child Care. You would think that god would have this book drop right out of the womb right after the placenta. I guess even God couldn’t figure out how to put a printing press next to an ovary.

I jumped from my living room throne grabbed my queen by the arm ran to the car screaming “We have no time to waste. We must have this book now!” Thank God my queen indulges my dramatic delusions on a regular basis. So with a loving verbal smack across the face I was told that I was old and what the hell does a Vulcan know about babies. Then she went on for about five minutes about how hot Spock was in the new movie. Then she tossed me What to Except When You‘re Expecting. I was kind of disappointed, not in the book, I’m sure it is a very good book. It just doesn’t have that same ring of trusted honesty that Dr. Spock did.

As I curl back up in my living room throne I peruse the pages during commercial breaks. Then it happens: TBS superstation, 5 pm, channel 46, She’s Having a Baby. Thank you John Hughes, my research can continue.