Hell's Passenger

I never knew that riding as a passenger in a car could be hazardous to my health. When Julie “Evil Knievel” takes the wheel of the car let all motorist beware, that a “sacred vessel” is on the road and looking for blood. Lord knows that any safe and appropriate mergers of other vehicles, will be meet with the sly but witty remarks of “@#%^ don’t you that there should #$%^ be 12 cars lengths of empty void in order to merge into my lane.” The road was not made for truckers; it was made for the legions of pregnant drivers. Trees dodge out of the way to protect their saplings as the red Toyota Yaris hell wagon rounds the corner. Atop this war machine from hell rides its fearsome master who is thrusting food into the face of her passengers screaming “I’M SO HUNGRY, I CAN’T EAT THIS, SMELL THIS”. The passengers try to respond . . . but her head is spinning so quickly.

I’m along for the ride. I will never know what it is like to have your body taken over and not feel like yourself at all. I will never understand how food tastes can change minute by minute. I will never understand sore boobs and shrinking bras. I’m the copilot in the passenger seat responsible for navigation. GPS in hand I try to get us to the food that sounds best, verify that the food tastes bad and steer us away from any vehicular lawsuits.

So as this pregnancy goes forward I make adjustments. I don’t mind this. I installed a five point safety harness, I wear my safety helmet and grasp tightly to the Jesus handles. I replaced all the sign on I-35 with the warning “Surrender all hope Ye, who wishes to merge.” I shovel up the piles of uneaten food and timidly say that “Yes right now cheesecake is the most disgusting thing on earth.” I hand my Dark lord her demon pitch fork and plot directions as far from other drivers as possible.

She is my Dark Lord, who I love very much and tonight after she reads this, and I spend the evening pulling a six foot pitch fork out my ass, I will still love her and will be happy as hell for the opportunity to go through this experience.