A Twist on "What if"

“What if . . .” For me it wasn’t and sometimes still isn’t “What if” but rather “It would be better if.” When I first learned about the Azoospermia this is exactly where my mind ran to. These were the If’s I had then.

It would be better if I didn’t make things more difficult for her.

It would be better if she’d married someone her own age.

It would be better if this wasn’t messing with me this much.

It would be better if I could support her though this.

It would be better if I could just accept this.

It would be better if I could move on.

It would be better if I could stop crying.

It would be better if I could hold my s*** together.

It would be better if she didn’t see me like this.

It would be better if we didn’t try to have children.

It would be better if I had sperm.

It would be better if I wasn’t a total F*** up!

These were my thoughts the first night after receiving the phone call from the doctor at 7:00 in the evening. I would be lying if I said I didn’t still have some of these thoughts. But that’s what they are thoughts and only thoughts. A “What if”, “It would be better if”, or the even basic “if” can only help in the future tense and only harm in the past tense.

First Post

Well this is my first post. My wife confided in me that she has had a blog up and running for about 7 months and that she was scared to tell me that she had one. She told me the reason she was scared was because I got upset when she told her co workers about my lack of sperm.

In reality, I really didn't care that she was talking to her to complete strangers on the Internet . I knew that she needed support and an outlet. Telling her co workers did upset me at first, because these are people I would have to face and because when I found out about it what was going on I was in no shape to be a support for her. I realized that right off that bat in Nov. 2009 when we found out. I contacted a the local “Resolve” group and hooked her up with them. I know they have been a real big help for her.

When I found out about having Azoospermia, AZFC chromosomal abnormality, I had the normal reaction: WTF IS THAT?  It basically means that I am lacking some genes that control the production of sperm. If they were to go into my testicles there is a 30% chance that they could find some sperm. The downside to this is that any male children would inherit the same genetic abnormality. Julie and I both agreed that we could do that to a child so we have opted for IUI with donor sperm..and they would have to drill into my testicles.  I was not thrilled about turning my testicles over to a Cuisinart. 

This is where we are at now. This is also where I think I will stop writing for tonight. Be sure to check out Julies blog as well.  Tell her hi.