“What if . . .” For me it wasn’t and sometimes still isn’t “What if” but rather “It would be better if.” When I first learned about the Azoospermia this is exactly where my mind ran to. These were the If’s I had then.
It would be better if I didn’t make things more difficult for her.
It would be better if she’d married someone her own age.
It would be better if this wasn’t messing with me this much.
It would be better if I could support her though this.
It would be better if I could just accept this.
It would be better if I could move on.
It would be better if I could stop crying.
It would be better if I could hold my s*** together.
It would be better if she didn’t see me like this.
It would be better if we didn’t try to have children.
It would be better if I had sperm.
It would be better if I wasn’t a total F*** up!
These were my thoughts the first night after receiving the phone call from the doctor at 7:00 in the evening. I would be lying if I said I didn’t still have some of these thoughts. But that’s what they are thoughts and only thoughts. A “What if”, “It would be better if”, or the even basic “if” can only help in the future tense and only harm in the past tense.
