Ovulate - A Ten Minute Play

This is a 10 min play that I started working on right after I got engaged to Julie.  I couldn't sleep one night and wrote it instead.  Kind of ironic now.

Ovulate

Jane is sitting on the bed with a thermometer in her mouth. She is dressed only in a robe. She takes the thermometer out of her mouth and reads it. There is a book on the bed on how to get pregnant or something to the effect of “Pregnancy for Dummies” and a stack of pillows.

JANE
(Yelling)
Dick . . . Dick!
DICK
(From another room)
What?
JANE
Dick . . . Dick . . .
(Rapidly)
Dick,Dick,come,come,come,come,come,come,come,come,come . . . Quickly.
DICK
(Rushing into the room in a panic)
What . . . what’s the matter?
JANE
I’m ovulating.
DICK
(Quizzically)
You just told me to “come quickly” . . . because you’re ovulating?
JANE
Yes!
DICK
Congratulations,
(Starts to walk out of the room.)
I am happy for you.
JANE
Dick stop . . . Turn around.
DICK
(Turns)
What?
JANE
Get undressed.
DICK
Are you serious?
JANE
(Still looking at the book as if she is copying a diagram. She is moving pillows into a stack)
I am going to lay with these pillows under my butt. While you do your thing. That way I will be a better receptacle.
DICK
A receptacle?
JANE
Yeah, for your sperm.
DICK
Feels like I should put a plastic bag in first.
JANE
No, don’t do that.
DICK
What?
JANE
That wouldn’t help.
DICK
Are you trying to tell me something here?
JANE
Yes.
DICK
What?
JANE
We’re gonna to make a baby.
DICK
We are?
JANE
Right now.
DICK
Why?
JANE
Why?
DICK
Why?
JANE
(Dramaticly)
Why does anyone want to have a baby? What a silly question!
DICK
Why is it silly?
JANE
I thought maybe . . . you might have a problem with this.
DICK
When did you decide this?
JANE
This morning when I decided I was going to get organized. I told you all about it.
DICK
I thought you meant you were going to clean out your closet.
JANE
I did that too.
DICK
Well that’s good . . . at least you completed one thing today.
JANE
I plan on completing a lot more than that.
DICK
Huh?
JANE
I also composed a list of the reasons we should propagate.
DICK
Propagate?
JANE
Yes, propagate. . . to multiply or breed, to transmit characteristics from one generation to another.
DICK
To cause, to spread, to extend, to impel or continue forward in space; as, to propagate sound or light . . . You looked that up didn’t you.
JANE
How did you know?
DICK
I’m weird like that.
JANE
I felt I needed to keep this decision as unemotional as possible.
DICK
Really?
JANE
This is why I came up with this list of the reason’s why we should have a baby. I call them the ABC’s of babies.
(These are read rather quickly)
“A” is for Adam because he was the first, “B” is for babies of course, “C” is because babies are so cute, “D” is for Dick . . . That is because I love you . . . it is also for diapers . . . “E” is for . . .
DICK
How many of these do you have?
JANE
26.
DICK
Great.
JANE
“E” is for epidural, “F” is for fun, “G” is for girl because I really want a little girl, “H” is for heredity . . . Because you have good genes, “I” is for inheritance because we will have to save money, “J”
(Thinks for a second)
Just because “K”, kids “L”, love you . . .
(Smiles)
and so do I, honey.
DICK
Kill me now.
JANE
“M” is for marriage, this is what married people do . . . “N” is for Nursery we should paint it pink. “O” Ovulating,
(Thinks)
Maybe you should get undressed.
DICK
What?
JANE
“P” Parents were going to be parents, “Q” Quality . . . It is our job to provided a good Quality of life for our children, “R” . . . we're reasonable people. “S” son . . . I know you want a son. “T” Today before it is to late, “U” urgent my clock is ticking, “V” Viagra . . .
DICK
What?
JANE
Just kidding. “W” window of opportunity, “Y” yes you will do it, and finally “Z” Zygote
(sing song)
Were going to make a Zygote, Were going to make a Zygote.
(Puts her arms around him and hangs from his back)
Come on honey.
DICK
You skipped “X”
JANE
Exactly.
DICK
Funny.
JANE
(Grabbing at his crotch)
Get undressed, Let’s get started.
DICK
(Wiggling away)
Wow, aren’t you the romantic.
JANE
What?
(Seductively)
Am I suppose to wine and dine you? Maybe, lots of candles,rose peddles and soft music. . . I didn’t know you were into that.
DICK
(Slightly agitated)
I don’t know.
JANE
You never complained about a quickie in the afternoon before.
(Imitating Dick)
“Oh please honey, tie me to the bed and have your way with me now.”
DICK
Stop that! If I remember correctly it was your idea to do that in the first place . . . besides that was different.
JANE
How?
DICK
It just is.
JANE
Dick . . . you still stick in the same place.
DICK
I know.
JANE
You still get all sweaty.
DICK
I know.
JANE
You still make that stupid face you make when you . . .
DICK
Stop.
JANE
Kinda Like Elvis.
DICK
Stop!
JANE
I like that face.
DICK
(Embarrassed)
Stop!
JANE
Then what’s wrong?
DICK
It’s just this time it has a purpose.
JANE
(Sarcastically)
Oh, it never had a purpose before?
DICK
No, that's not what I meant.
JANE
What? . . . You were doing it out of boredom before?
DICK
That’s not what I meant.
JANE
(Smiling)
Oh, OK.
DICK
This time it just feels like . . . I am playing a slot machine. Hoping to hit a jackpot.
JANE
Well, your not going to hit a cherry.
DICK
I know that.
JANE
What are you thinking? . . . my eyeballs are going to flash some lucky seven’s and a baby drops out?
DICK
I don’t know.
JANE
(Making a slot machine sound.)
Ding, ding, ding, ding . . .
(Pause, then starts being comforting)
I know,this is scary.
DICK
It is.
JANE
But Dick we’re both 38 years old if we want to have a child . . . now is the time to do it . . . What do you want to be, 90 when the kid graduates from high school?
DICK
No.
JANE
I mean your hair is already graying.
DICK
(Slightly panicky)
What?
JANE
I like it honey.
DICK
(Deep sigh)
Oh . . .
JANE
I know everything is going to change when we have this kid. Everything . . . The house will change, our finances, our sex life, our daily routine . . . were going to have to face diapers, midnight feedings, arguments, parent teacher conferences, sporting events, scrapped knees, stitches, broken bones, prom, graduation, boyfriends, girlfriends, arguments, curfews, groundings, college, worries, ups, downs and all arounds.
DICK
I’m just kind a scared.
JANE
Me too . . . But you are a great husband, I love you and you are going to be a wonderful father . . . you have so much to give.
DICK
(looks at her)
You're going to be great too.
JANE
I love you.
DICK
I love you too.
(They kiss)
JANE
Maybe I was wrong about something.
DICK
What?
JANE
Maybe I was being to clinical.
DICK
Why do you say that?
JANE
(Pulling some rope or handcuffs out of her robe pocket and dangles it in front of his face.)
Nobody said we couldn’t make a baby . . . with you strapped to the bed.
(they both run to the bed tearing off their clothes)

Comrades in Arms

I found me today a comrade in arms. I took our new-found dog to the vet to be neutered. I felt that I should have a talk with him and let him know that I could emphasize with what he was going through.

Kreacher looked so excited and when he jumped into the car and looked out the windows. Julie behind the wheel, me in the passenger seat and a dogs head resting on my shoulder looking out the front window with that “are we there yet expression?”

The thought ran through my head maybe this wasn't necessary, maybe he can't have children already, maybe he has azoospermia as well. Hell, it sounds like something a dog should have instead of a human anyway. I almost had Julie turn the car around get a cup and some doggie porn and lets just see what that sperm count was before we take that drastic measure of slicing off the boys. Then I did a quick Google search in my brain and thought about what the doggie porn would look like, and decided it was probably a bad idea.

When we entered the door to the vet, he was gone. They swooped in and took him away to a back room as quick as I could be handed a clipboard. No farewells, No wishing him support, No wife holding his paw, only strangers in a sterile hospital room , examining, manipulating, and slicing his manhood. Facing it alone. I know, I couldn't have done that without Julie holding my paw.

Four hours later I picked him up. He came out as happy to see me. I bent down to hug him and he rammed his plastic cone into my face trying to lick me but unable to reach. We got into the car and I explained to him what the doctor said. I knew that he needed to hear that because even though he was standing right there when the doctor told him none of it registered, none of it made sense.

I explained the birth control advantage to him. “Think of all the money you will save.” I suggested that he have all the pre-marital sex he wanted worry free. Hell, he could hit a doggie swingers club and go to town. He will never have a paternity suit, and if his wife ever does get pregnant, it will either be immaculate conception or he'll need to beat the crap out of the mailman.

When we got to the house Kreacher laid down on the floor in front of the couch wearing his “Cone of Shame” with pride, not knowing how silly he looks in it, or how much fun Julie and I will have tonight making bad jokes about it. Sometimes I wish that I could put on a “Cone of Silence” instead. Silence everyone who knows what is wrong with me, silence the constant talk about fertility, silence the uncertainty. One thing to remember is that the “Cone of Silence” never worked, and the most embarrassing things were always heard. Maybe silence is not the answer.

A Twist on "What if"

“What if . . .” For me it wasn’t and sometimes still isn’t “What if” but rather “It would be better if.” When I first learned about the Azoospermia this is exactly where my mind ran to. These were the If’s I had then.

It would be better if I didn’t make things more difficult for her.

It would be better if she’d married someone her own age.

It would be better if this wasn’t messing with me this much.

It would be better if I could support her though this.

It would be better if I could just accept this.

It would be better if I could move on.

It would be better if I could stop crying.

It would be better if I could hold my s*** together.

It would be better if she didn’t see me like this.

It would be better if we didn’t try to have children.

It would be better if I had sperm.

It would be better if I wasn’t a total F*** up!

These were my thoughts the first night after receiving the phone call from the doctor at 7:00 in the evening. I would be lying if I said I didn’t still have some of these thoughts. But that’s what they are thoughts and only thoughts. A “What if”, “It would be better if”, or the even basic “if” can only help in the future tense and only harm in the past tense.

How to Make a Denver Omelet.

It has been a while since I added a posting to my blog. I have enjoyed the comments and support I have received since stating this blog. I have set a goal for myself this week to start posting to other peoples blogs, as wells as finish posting all of our cost to date. I have been reading a lot of other peoples blogs and I have been getting some good advice.  

If you haven't heard the news, Julie and I have attempted our second IUI with four eggs in the basket we are hoping for some chicks in this batch. I told Julie that she has enough eggs to make an omelet. My ribs are still sore after that comment. Well, it was either that comment, or me not letting her talk a bath out of fear of poaching the eggs. 

So instead of making more bad egg puns I decided to post a message to Julie, that I have loved the 1788 days we have been married. If you want to know a little bit more about how we got started you should read this webpage.  Jeff and Julie.

Absurdism

Absurdism is a philosophy stating that the efforts of humanity to find inherent meaning in the universe will ultimately fail. The absurd arises out of the search for meaning and the apparent meaninglessness of infertility. How absurd are the things that we go through, in the search for the answer to having a child?

On at least four occasions I have driven with the donated sperm sample, or swimmers, as Julie and I call them, buckled into the passenger seat serving as my co-pilot. Together this dynamic duo of Yard Man and his future sidekick Lawn Boy face the DFW toll system searching for a frozen refuge.

I admit that I gave those swimmers the best fatherly pep talk I could muster. I channeled the televised inspirations of Bill Cosby, Ward Cleaver, Mike Brady and the Fonz. That pep talk I gave them would have made Patton and Vince Lombardi bluster with pride. Go impregnate my wife you pinch hitting seed from another man. Swim, Swim, SWIM I SAY! Swim until you find that egg, then impregnate, impregnate, IMPREGANATE!!!

A 43 year old man talking to a 2 ½ foot black, liquid nitrogen, vapor tank as if it’s getting ready to bat in its first baseball game. I’m sure there is nothing absurd about that.

Absurdism embraces itself in that sense of hopelessness. No matter how many times I talk to that black plastic, vapor filled case, hoping something will change, that I can make a difference in this process, I cannot.

Male Infertility Support Group

My idea of what a Male Infertility support group would look like.


SCENE ONE.

The scene takes place at any local Hooters. Large pile of wings and several pitcher of beer on table. Five guys standing around a table. Their fingers are covered in gooey goodness.
RICK
I cannot believe how hard it is to pick out sperm?
BOB
Hehe . . . He said hard.
DAN
So?
BOB
He said hard and sperm. . . That's pretty funny.
DAN
(Thinks for a moment)
Yeah . . . It is.
KEVIN
Can we stop using that word?
DAN
What word?
KEVIN
The “S” word. Someone might hear.
RICK
What word would you prefer we use?
KEVIN
My wife and I prefer the word “The Sample”.
BOB
Sounds like you are trying pizza rolls at the end of an aisle at Walmart.
DAN
I’m not sampling those.
RICK
But I like rolls.
DAN
Pizza Rolls do rule.
ALL
Yeah
DAN
Well at least you can choose yours? I got to go to a doctors office and fill a cup up.
KEVIN
And I never know if I should take my pants off or not.
DAN
Yeah. Do you just whip it out or do you drop the pants around the ankles?
BOB
I stripped naked as the day I was born.
DAN
You do?
BOB
I want no distraction. Especially since Doctor porn sucks. I’m sorry but I need something more than Maxium to do my duty. I need a speciality type of porn to . . .
DAN
I don’t want to know what specialty you need.
RICK
Well I have a question? When choosing your Sp . . . I mean Sample. Who do you choose the pharmacist or the basketball ball player? I mean do you go for the brains or the brawn?
BOB
Brawn of course, no kid of mine getting his butt kicked.
RICK
So your a 5’2” , science club geek, who wants to have a 6’7” basket ball player for a kid. That makes sense.
KEVIN
What do you use for a criteria?
DAN
Maybe they should include pictures of the donors so we can see what they look like.
BOB
Do you want to see what your baby daddy looks like?
DAN
(thinks for a long moment)
That would be awkward.
RICK
I think we should table this discussion to next week. All in favor say “Aye”.
ALL
(Enthusiastically)
Aye!
DAN
I want to make a motion. we drink more beer and eat more wings. All in favor.
ALL
Aye!

Doctors

Julie and I decided to get a second opinion from another RE. We have both been getting frustrated with the RE we currently have. I don’t think he is giving us horrible medical advice. The problem I have is his Professionalism. I decided that when we talk to second opinion RE I want to establish some things off the bat. I spent 15 years working in Mental Hospitals and there are some things that doctor s tend to do that drive me nuts.


1. After walking the door for every appointment and asking our names. We have had over 10 appointments by now we should start looking a little familiar. Please review the chart before you come into the room.

2. Please remember that we are using donor sperm. Stop asking about my health and what treatments I am doing. I Don’t Have Sperm. This won’t change. We established this on our first visit; we don’t have to revisit it every time I come to an appt. with my wife. These appointments are for what we can do for here and need to be focused on her health. This could also be avoided by reviewing the chart.

3. Asking “What are we doing today?” every time we come to an appt? Well, my wife is dressed in a paper machete dress, on her back, with her legs in stirrups and her toes are pointed to the ceiling. The nurse is standing there holding a phallic shaped probe with an industrial condom on it. Maybe we are in here for a sonogram? Again please review the chart before you enter the room, three appointments ago we decided on this course of treatment.

4. Answer the question we ask. For example when you say statements such as “Your cervical lining is thick and it appears that you have ovulated, but there were no signs of large follicles”. And we ask “What could possible cause that?” His response “If we switch to injectables she should ovulate.” That not an answer to the question, that’s another form of treatment.

These may sound minor but they are a concern for me. If these minor issues get overlooked or ignored are the larger ones getting ignored as well?

What are some of the things that doctors have done that have driven you nuts?