“What if . . .” For me it wasn’t and sometimes still isn’t “What if” but rather “It would be better if.” When I first learned about the Azoospermia this is exactly where my mind ran to. These were the If’s I had then.
It would be better if I didn’t make things more difficult for her.
It would be better if she’d married someone her own age.
It would be better if this wasn’t messing with me this much.
It would be better if I could support her though this.
It would be better if I could just accept this.
It would be better if I could move on.
It would be better if I could stop crying.
It would be better if I could hold my s*** together.
It would be better if she didn’t see me like this.
It would be better if we didn’t try to have children.
It would be better if I had sperm.
It would be better if I wasn’t a total F*** up!
These were my thoughts the first night after receiving the phone call from the doctor at 7:00 in the evening. I would be lying if I said I didn’t still have some of these thoughts. But that’s what they are thoughts and only thoughts. A “What if”, “It would be better if”, or the even basic “if” can only help in the future tense and only harm in the past tense.
Thank you.
ReplyDelete(I don't know how to make those written words as profound as they feel to me)
Let me tell you from a woman's perspective it certainly would not be better if...
ReplyDelete- this wasn't messing with you
- you could stop crying
- you I could hold your s*** together.
- she didn’t see you like this
We women need to know our men aren't made of stone and have feelings and it's even better when they share them with us.
The best moments of the last difficult 17 months have been when my man (DefTTC) has opened up and let me in and shared how he is feeling through this.
So thanks for sharing.
Hey Jeff,
ReplyDeleteMy doc said that because Bobby's fsh was really high, that meant his body is already trying to produce more sperm and it isn't working. In his opinion, adding other hormones won't change what his body's already trying to do itself. He did, however, recommend a supplement to help the few good guys be as healthy as possible. He said he's had quite a few patients have success with this particular stuff. I can send you the link if you're interested, but from Julie's blog I know you guys are past that point in your journey I think.
And PS - your blog is hilarious. I wish you would post more often!!! I so appreciate your advice.
Very touching. My husband went through a lot of those same thoughts. I think sometimes still is, even though he has stopped talking about it. I can't rush it.
ReplyDelete