This is a 10 min play that I started working on right after I got engaged to Julie. I couldn't sleep one night and wrote it instead. Kind of ironic now.
Ovulate
Jane is sitting on the bed with a thermometer in her mouth. She is dressed only in a robe. She takes the thermometer out of her mouth and reads it. There is a book on the bed on how to get pregnant or something to the effect of “Pregnancy for Dummies” and a stack of pillows.
JANE
(Yelling)
Dick . . . Dick!
DICK
(From another room)
What?
JANE
Dick . . . Dick . . .
(Rapidly)
Dick,Dick,come,come,come,come,come,come,come,come,come . . . Quickly.
DICK
(Rushing into the room in a panic)
What . . . what’s the matter?
JANE
I’m ovulating.
DICK
(Quizzically)
You just told me to “come quickly” . . . because you’re ovulating?
JANE
Yes!
DICK
Congratulations,
(Starts to walk out of the room.)
I am happy for you.
JANE
Dick stop . . . Turn around.
DICK
(Turns)
What?
JANE
Get undressed.
DICK
Are you serious?
JANE
(Still looking at the book as if she is copying a diagram. She is moving pillows into a stack)
I am going to lay with these pillows under my butt. While you do your thing. That way I will be a better receptacle.
DICK
A receptacle?
JANE
Yeah, for your sperm.
DICK
Feels like I should put a plastic bag in first.
JANE
No, don’t do that.
DICK
What?
JANE
That wouldn’t help.
DICK
Are you trying to tell me something here?
JANE
Yes.
DICK
What?
JANE
We’re gonna to make a baby.
DICK
We are?
JANE
Right now.
DICK
Why?
JANE
Why?
DICK
Why?
JANE
(Dramaticly)
Why does anyone want to have a baby? What a silly question!
DICK
Why is it silly?
JANE
I thought maybe . . . you might have a problem with this.
DICK
When did you decide this?
JANE
This morning when I decided I was going to get organized. I told you all about it.
DICK
I thought you meant you were going to clean out your closet.
JANE
I did that too.
DICK
Well that’s good . . . at least you completed one thing today.
JANE
I plan on completing a lot more than that.
DICK
Huh?
JANE
I also composed a list of the reasons we should propagate.
DICK
Propagate?
JANE
Yes, propagate. . . to multiply or breed, to transmit characteristics from one generation to another.
DICK
To cause, to spread, to extend, to impel or continue forward in space; as, to propagate sound or light . . . You looked that up didn’t you.
JANE
How did you know?
DICK
I’m weird like that.
JANE
I felt I needed to keep this decision as unemotional as possible.
DICK
Really?
JANE
This is why I came up with this list of the reason’s why we should have a baby. I call them the ABC’s of babies.
(These are read rather quickly)
“A” is for Adam because he was the first, “B” is for babies of course, “C” is because babies are so cute, “D” is for Dick . . . That is because I love you . . . it is also for diapers . . . “E” is for . . .
DICK
How many of these do you have?
JANE
26.
DICK
Great.
JANE
“E” is for epidural, “F” is for fun, “G” is for girl because I really want a little girl, “H” is for heredity . . . Because you have good genes, “I” is for inheritance because we will have to save money, “J”
(Thinks for a second)
Just because “K”, kids “L”, love you . . .
(Smiles)
and so do I, honey.
DICK
Kill me now.
JANE
“M” is for marriage, this is what married people do . . . “N” is for Nursery we should paint it pink. “O” Ovulating,
(Thinks)
Maybe you should get undressed.
DICK
What?
JANE
“P” Parents were going to be parents, “Q” Quality . . . It is our job to provided a good Quality of life for our children, “R” . . . we're reasonable people. “S” son . . . I know you want a son. “T” Today before it is to late, “U” urgent my clock is ticking, “V” Viagra . . .
DICK
What?
JANE
Just kidding. “W” window of opportunity, “Y” yes you will do it, and finally “Z” Zygote
(sing song)
Were going to make a Zygote, Were going to make a Zygote.
(Puts her arms around him and hangs from his back)
Come on honey.
DICK
You skipped “X”
JANE
Exactly.
DICK
Funny.
JANE
(Grabbing at his crotch)
Get undressed, Let’s get started.
DICK
(Wiggling away)
Wow, aren’t you the romantic.
JANE
What?
(Seductively)
Am I suppose to wine and dine you? Maybe, lots of candles,rose peddles and soft music. . . I didn’t know you were into that.
DICK
(Slightly agitated)
I don’t know.
JANE
You never complained about a quickie in the afternoon before.
(Imitating Dick)
“Oh please honey, tie me to the bed and have your way with me now.”
DICK
Stop that! If I remember correctly it was your idea to do that in the first place . . . besides that was different.
JANE
How?
DICK
It just is.
JANE
Dick . . . you still stick in the same place.
DICK
I know.
JANE
You still get all sweaty.
DICK
I know.
JANE
You still make that stupid face you make when you . . .
DICK
Stop.
JANE
Kinda Like Elvis.
DICK
Stop!
JANE
I like that face.
DICK
(Embarrassed)
Stop!
JANE
Then what’s wrong?
DICK
It’s just this time it has a purpose.
JANE
(Sarcastically)
Oh, it never had a purpose before?
DICK
No, that's not what I meant.
JANE
What? . . . You were doing it out of boredom before?
DICK
That’s not what I meant.
JANE
(Smiling)
Oh, OK.
DICK
This time it just feels like . . . I am playing a slot machine. Hoping to hit a jackpot.
JANE
Well, your not going to hit a cherry.
DICK
I know that.
JANE
What are you thinking? . . . my eyeballs are going to flash some lucky seven’s and a baby drops out?
DICK
I don’t know.
JANE
(Making a slot machine sound.)
Ding, ding, ding, ding . . .
(Pause, then starts being comforting)
I know,this is scary.
DICK
It is.
JANE
But Dick we’re both 38 years old if we want to have a child . . . now is the time to do it . . . What do you want to be, 90 when the kid graduates from high school?
DICK
No.
JANE
I mean your hair is already graying.
DICK
(Slightly panicky)
What?
JANE
I like it honey.
DICK
(Deep sigh)
Oh . . .
JANE
I know everything is going to change when we have this kid. Everything . . . The house will change, our finances, our sex life, our daily routine . . . were going to have to face diapers, midnight feedings, arguments, parent teacher conferences, sporting events, scrapped knees, stitches, broken bones, prom, graduation, boyfriends, girlfriends, arguments, curfews, groundings, college, worries, ups, downs and all arounds.
DICK
I’m just kind a scared.
JANE
Me too . . . But you are a great husband, I love you and you are going to be a wonderful father . . . you have so much to give.
DICK
(looks at her)
You're going to be great too.
JANE
I love you.
DICK
I love you too.
(They kiss)
JANE
Maybe I was wrong about something.
DICK
What?
JANE
Maybe I was being to clinical.
DICK
Why do you say that?
JANE
(Pulling some rope or handcuffs out of her robe pocket and dangles it in front of his face.)
Nobody said we couldn’t make a baby . . . with you strapped to the bed.
(they both run to the bed tearing off their clothes)
(Yelling)
Dick . . . Dick!
DICK
(From another room)
What?
JANE
Dick . . . Dick . . .
(Rapidly)
Dick,Dick,come,come,come,come,come,come,come,come,come . . . Quickly.
DICK
(Rushing into the room in a panic)
What . . . what’s the matter?
JANE
I’m ovulating.
DICK
(Quizzically)
You just told me to “come quickly” . . . because you’re ovulating?
JANE
Yes!
DICK
Congratulations,
(Starts to walk out of the room.)
I am happy for you.
JANE
Dick stop . . . Turn around.
DICK
(Turns)
What?
JANE
Get undressed.
DICK
Are you serious?
JANE
(Still looking at the book as if she is copying a diagram. She is moving pillows into a stack)
I am going to lay with these pillows under my butt. While you do your thing. That way I will be a better receptacle.
DICK
A receptacle?
JANE
Yeah, for your sperm.
DICK
Feels like I should put a plastic bag in first.
JANE
No, don’t do that.
DICK
What?
JANE
That wouldn’t help.
DICK
Are you trying to tell me something here?
JANE
Yes.
DICK
What?
JANE
We’re gonna to make a baby.
DICK
We are?
JANE
Right now.
DICK
Why?
JANE
Why?
DICK
Why?
JANE
(Dramaticly)
Why does anyone want to have a baby? What a silly question!
DICK
Why is it silly?
JANE
I thought maybe . . . you might have a problem with this.
DICK
When did you decide this?
JANE
This morning when I decided I was going to get organized. I told you all about it.
DICK
I thought you meant you were going to clean out your closet.
JANE
I did that too.
DICK
Well that’s good . . . at least you completed one thing today.
JANE
I plan on completing a lot more than that.
DICK
Huh?
JANE
I also composed a list of the reasons we should propagate.
DICK
Propagate?
JANE
Yes, propagate. . . to multiply or breed, to transmit characteristics from one generation to another.
DICK
To cause, to spread, to extend, to impel or continue forward in space; as, to propagate sound or light . . . You looked that up didn’t you.
JANE
How did you know?
DICK
I’m weird like that.
JANE
I felt I needed to keep this decision as unemotional as possible.
DICK
Really?
JANE
This is why I came up with this list of the reason’s why we should have a baby. I call them the ABC’s of babies.
(These are read rather quickly)
“A” is for Adam because he was the first, “B” is for babies of course, “C” is because babies are so cute, “D” is for Dick . . . That is because I love you . . . it is also for diapers . . . “E” is for . . .
DICK
How many of these do you have?
JANE
26.
DICK
Great.
JANE
“E” is for epidural, “F” is for fun, “G” is for girl because I really want a little girl, “H” is for heredity . . . Because you have good genes, “I” is for inheritance because we will have to save money, “J”
(Thinks for a second)
Just because “K”, kids “L”, love you . . .
(Smiles)
and so do I, honey.
DICK
Kill me now.
JANE
“M” is for marriage, this is what married people do . . . “N” is for Nursery we should paint it pink. “O” Ovulating,
(Thinks)
Maybe you should get undressed.
DICK
What?
JANE
“P” Parents were going to be parents, “Q” Quality . . . It is our job to provided a good Quality of life for our children, “R” . . . we're reasonable people. “S” son . . . I know you want a son. “T” Today before it is to late, “U” urgent my clock is ticking, “V” Viagra . . .
DICK
What?
JANE
Just kidding. “W” window of opportunity, “Y” yes you will do it, and finally “Z” Zygote
(sing song)
Were going to make a Zygote, Were going to make a Zygote.
(Puts her arms around him and hangs from his back)
Come on honey.
DICK
You skipped “X”
JANE
Exactly.
DICK
Funny.
JANE
(Grabbing at his crotch)
Get undressed, Let’s get started.
DICK
(Wiggling away)
Wow, aren’t you the romantic.
JANE
What?
(Seductively)
Am I suppose to wine and dine you? Maybe, lots of candles,rose peddles and soft music. . . I didn’t know you were into that.
DICK
(Slightly agitated)
I don’t know.
JANE
You never complained about a quickie in the afternoon before.
(Imitating Dick)
“Oh please honey, tie me to the bed and have your way with me now.”
DICK
Stop that! If I remember correctly it was your idea to do that in the first place . . . besides that was different.
JANE
How?
DICK
It just is.
JANE
Dick . . . you still stick in the same place.
DICK
I know.
JANE
You still get all sweaty.
DICK
I know.
JANE
You still make that stupid face you make when you . . .
DICK
Stop.
JANE
Kinda Like Elvis.
DICK
Stop!
JANE
I like that face.
DICK
(Embarrassed)
Stop!
JANE
Then what’s wrong?
DICK
It’s just this time it has a purpose.
JANE
(Sarcastically)
Oh, it never had a purpose before?
DICK
No, that's not what I meant.
JANE
What? . . . You were doing it out of boredom before?
DICK
That’s not what I meant.
JANE
(Smiling)
Oh, OK.
DICK
This time it just feels like . . . I am playing a slot machine. Hoping to hit a jackpot.
JANE
Well, your not going to hit a cherry.
DICK
I know that.
JANE
What are you thinking? . . . my eyeballs are going to flash some lucky seven’s and a baby drops out?
DICK
I don’t know.
JANE
(Making a slot machine sound.)
Ding, ding, ding, ding . . .
(Pause, then starts being comforting)
I know,this is scary.
DICK
It is.
JANE
But Dick we’re both 38 years old if we want to have a child . . . now is the time to do it . . . What do you want to be, 90 when the kid graduates from high school?
DICK
No.
JANE
I mean your hair is already graying.
DICK
(Slightly panicky)
What?
JANE
I like it honey.
DICK
(Deep sigh)
Oh . . .
JANE
I know everything is going to change when we have this kid. Everything . . . The house will change, our finances, our sex life, our daily routine . . . were going to have to face diapers, midnight feedings, arguments, parent teacher conferences, sporting events, scrapped knees, stitches, broken bones, prom, graduation, boyfriends, girlfriends, arguments, curfews, groundings, college, worries, ups, downs and all arounds.
DICK
I’m just kind a scared.
JANE
Me too . . . But you are a great husband, I love you and you are going to be a wonderful father . . . you have so much to give.
DICK
(looks at her)
You're going to be great too.
JANE
I love you.
DICK
I love you too.
(They kiss)
JANE
Maybe I was wrong about something.
DICK
What?
JANE
Maybe I was being to clinical.
DICK
Why do you say that?
JANE
(Pulling some rope or handcuffs out of her robe pocket and dangles it in front of his face.)
Nobody said we couldn’t make a baby . . . with you strapped to the bed.
(they both run to the bed tearing off their clothes)
Hahahahahaha! I'm definitely making my husband read this. It's too hilarious! And... scarily familiar in some ways...
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting this! :) I'll be chuckling all night.
LOL!!! Eyes are 7s until a baby comes out. Hilarious! I am here from Determined Dory's blog. Congrats on your recent pregnancy- that is awesome. My husband also has azoo. Sertoli Cell Only to be exact- so it is beyond awesome that there is guy blog about this. With dIUI.
ReplyDeleteNice meeting you, and looking forward to following your journey!